Thoughts on bench press: how to look like a moron

You wanna look like a moron at the gym? Do these bench press accessory movements:

The first one is my invention and I'm copywriting it here.  Anybody laying claim to it is stealing from me and will be appropriately dealt with.

I don't know what to call it. It's some weird hybrid suicide bench press mixed with a decline press and to really screw with your front deltoids I added a drag to it where you let the bar slide down your chest until it barely reaches your wind pipe just below the Adam's apple and then you push drag it on your chest and back up to your belly button whereby you decline press it back up to a locked elbow position.

Use a sit up bench set at the steepest angle setting and make sure the squat rack safety bars are positioned just above your throat unless you feel like crushing your wind pipe in case you miss the lift.  Sometimes I miss and have to turn my head to the side to get my head out from under the bar.

This kind of movement will severely stress your front deltoids and will flare up any shoulder injuries, but hey it works getting you out of any bench press plateaus.

The second movement is the close grip bench press everybody tells you not to do, so if some sh"t-for-brain know-it-all tells you you're doing it wrong tell him to go f"ck himself and mind his own motherf"ckin business.  

Once again position the safety bars barely above the arc of your gut just in case you miss.

You do both of these accessory movements on one day and then after rest and eating protein, for your next workout you do bench press and shoulder workout to keep your shoulders healthy and strong.